Getting The Spark Back In Marriage Post Kids!

posted in: Parenting | 5

It has been three years since I became a parent to my adorable & charming twin daughters and my life became a roller coaster ever since. My life changed completely (To read my views on How Parenting Changed me, click HERE)

 

Among all other happy & positive changes that came along parenting, the biggest downside we faced was we lost the spark in the marriage, lost the intimacy in our relationship. For a long time, it felt like I and my husband are just roommates and co-parenting our kids. In fact, the first time we stepped out of the house together without kids was when they were 2 years old. A long time, isn’t it?

 

Needless to say, this caused a lot of trouble & turbulence in out life. We were feeling so distant from each other, we were constantly fighting about some or the other thing. It was not easy. Handling two kids without any elders of nannies, having a professional life as well, erratic sleep patterns, no fixed schedule for food, late bedtime schedule – all was leading to us getting worked up. The blame game was never-ending. But eventually, we decided that we need help. We talked to each other, talked to some specialists, some couples who have gone through this phase. And today, we feel the connection, the spark back in our relationship. We talk more, share our feelings, are more relaxed & chilled out & have a healthy libido. So what lead to this?? There are a lot of tips and a few products that helped us, thus I decided to list down what helped us be the carefree loving couple again (and not just parents) we used to be.

 

  • Give Sleep Some Priority – The biggest mistake I did as a parent was that I let my sleep take a backseat. Sleep, while the baby sleeps, didn’t work initially as either of the twins was always up in initial months. But even after they got into a sleeping schedule, I did not. That took a toll on my mood, my stamina, and overall health. This also affected my relationship & intimacy. Lately, I have started to have MamaEarth Stress relief green tea post-dinner & I feel more relaxed when I go to bed. I have a better mood, I don’t feel restless anymore & I sleep better. Libido or no libido, it has had a good effect on my overall mood & night schedules are better.

 

  • Stop the blame game – The worst side effect of stress that parenting brought was that I started to look for loopholes & ways to do away with my other responsibilities as a wife and as a homemaker. This resulted in finding excuses & blame game which further strained and stressed the already stressful relationship we were having. Once we realized that & started to let go once in a while, things got better.

 

  • Look for positives & give each other benefit of the doubt – It is very easy to keep bickering about the negatives & overlook the positives. Once we started to appreciate each other’s efforts more & ignoring small issues, we felt closer to each other. We were both struggling as parents, as professionals & as a married couple. Acknowledging the struggles & appreciating the efforts was all we needed probably.

 

  • Let others help you if they can – There is no shame in asking for help. I wish I had realized this earlier. It took us two years to start trusting our family, friends, domestic help, daycare staff etc & let kids be with them while we took a little time off parenting & spend with each other. This doesn’t mean blindly trusting anyone, especially people outside the family, but eventually, if you develop that trust, let them help you out with small tasks such as taking kids to park, putting kids to bed, helping with physically exhausting tasks etc.

 

  • Do something fun together – Fos us that fun thing which we started together was watching “Game of Thrones.” Today we can talk and discuss non stop about the series, come up with our own theories and anticipations etc. It is fun to feel connected even on a silly non-emotional level. Sometimes we connect over movies, sometimes food and sometimes online shopping (Oh yes! Believe me indulging in online shopping together is sooo much fun!)

 

  • Eat Healthy, Live Healthy – This is important not only post kids but all through the life. But especially post-kids, I felt so much cautious about my body, the increased weight and the decrease in stamina & libido. I had heard a lot about hacks like Honey-Lemon-Cinnamon water,  Apple Cider Vinegar, Detox water etc & their benefit on health. I tried MamaEarth Apple Cider Vinegar, moved to a vegetarian diet, started with a light workout and started with imagery & meditation. This helped me attain a better physical, mental & emotional health which made me a more fun person to be as opposed to the moody bickering person I had become.

 

  • Take vitamins, calcium & supplements if needed – When I met my gynecologist to discuss the loss of libido, among other things that she suggested, she asked me to include multivitamins & supplements to my diet as despite moving to a healthy food habit lifestyle I was still deficient of a lot of nutrients & micronutrients that my body needed at this age. So I started with healthy additives in my milk, taking the iron & calcium supplements I was taking during pregnancy, MamEarth plant DHA & Passion for Parents capsules & some multivitamins. Now after taking these for over a month, I realize the importance of having a balanced level of nutrients & micronutrients in the body. I feel much more energetic, feel younger, have visible improvement in my hair & skin health. And of course the libido – we finally are moving in a direction we were waiting to for so long!

 

 

So, this is what helped me. Any other tips that have helped you revive your relationship? Share with us in comments.

 

 

 

I am taking part in The Write Tribe Problogger October 2017 Blogging Challenge 

#writebravely #writetribeproblogger

5 Responses

  1. I so resonate with you Shalu. It’s going to be a long comment.
    Stressful life can have an adverse effect on relationships. I didn’t have relationship issues after having my daughter, all was fine I guess because I had a strong support system in my mother in law. But when we moved to Mumbai and my hubby now isn’t at home for almost 15 hrs since he has to travel long distance for work , also it’s a high pressure job. it is tough. We practically meet each other only on weekends. Though he never misses important days & events in my daughter’s school but yes she doesn’t spend time with him daily. All this was affecting me. I was missing my friends & family. I was missing my job, my students. I wasn’t too keen to join work in Mumbai as I wanted to be with my daughter. And that made me impatient and I started feeling ignored, under valued. I lost confidence in myself. I became a wife who was constantly nagging. It was becoming difficult. Then one day my hubby only asked me to start writing. That changed my life. Being college sweethearts he knew me too well. He knew what will help me. He always kept his calm when I lost patience. I guess that is very important to a healthy relationship.

  2. Shalu, very few people open up their personal life with this much of honesty. I respect you for that. Talking about bringing the spark back then yes not blaming each other is the base I feel. After having kids, things changes a lot. But if a couple waste half of the time in pinpointing the mistakes then no wonder the spark is never going to come back. Cherishing the present moments should be the motto.

  3. I’m sure this will be useful for a lot of parents. Kids do change a lot in people’s life. Sorry I can’t offer much more on this as I’m not a parent and don’t intend of being one.

  4. Many people face this sort of a problem. While few decide to tackle the situation before it’s too late, many ignore it and the end result is the souring of relations. Good you handled it well and on time.

  5. Thank you for this post. I am trying so hard to work on this distance between us. Most of my efforts go in vain.

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